Monday, October 24, 2005
bright future, yar?
no, it doesnt apply to me.
bleak is the more appropriate word to describe my future.
a pitch of darkness. not knowing where i will go. where i should go. not knowing where i will be led to. numb to this kind of disappointment, whatever u call it, after having gone thru so many years of education. being "tortured" by the academic world.
survival of the fittest u can call it. it's true. so many yrs of education. so many exams so many tests. wat's the purpose? at the end of the day, for tt piece of paper (you can say "high-quality" paper) that will probably secure u a job. for me. particularly this yr, it wasnt a matter of doing well..like many other of my peers, it's abt passing. not a D7 but with an E or at least a O. where can u go with Os or Fs? everytime we hear ppl saying "u've tried ur best", "it's okay"..blah. but wat's realli true is reality is curel. reality is unfair. there's so such thing as being fair. u get Ds, Es, Os, Fs..nobody wans u. it's the fact. a fact tt sucks. freaking sucks!
today. the day of our release of promos results after they took such a freaking long tym. atmosphere filled with sighs of relief, tears of joy, and oso tears of regrets, sadness, disappointment. even the canteen, had tt quiet feeling. y izzit tt there are ppl who can dun study yet manage to get good results. and y is there ppl who mug like nobody's business and jus manage to scrape thru, or worst, didnt even pass. i got my results. disappointment. total disappointment. utterly disappointed. my cranky mood turns on. as we get back our papers, we asked ourselves, WHY? i stared at my papers with disbelief. freaking shit. realli. tt's for math, econs n chem. any idea how early i started chem? overall O. thanks huh. for gp. i fall short of my expectation. one of my worst. i passed. yar. so wat. now. i dun even noe wat's the road before me. total bleak. i hate tis feeling.
as usual every year, it's the tchers' responsibility (so called) to console their students, give them prep talk. yar. im blessed wit caring tchers. ms lee said "education is for the knowledge or for the grades. our self esteem is often affected by our grades." how true is tt. in this society we lived in, failure is not allowed. u fail u are treated as rubbish. dun mention bout failing. an E or O is counted as failure. ppl can backstab u, resort to unscrupulous means to get wat they wan. so wat they are smart. so wat they are able to get good grades? but with good grades, it's like u own the world. ppl respect u. y? cos u're smart. how realistic is tis society? ms lee said we always ask ourselves "maybe i could have..." or "if i were given a chance..."..all the MAYBEs and IFs. maybe we shouldn't be dwelling in the question of maybe. she said..if we continue dwelling in it, we'll nv grow up. i agree.
but i've nv known how curel tis society was. until i begin to grow up, open up to more things, and i realised it. my combi "chem econs math" highest no of retainees. i could be one of them. who noes. this kind of combi..i like my combi but so wat. i can't do well..i can't even manage to pass it.
lots of others waiting for their fate to be determined next mon. promote? retain? re-exam? till den my heart will lose its sense of security. i told myself "u still have tym, wait for mon's results". am i lying to myself? am i giving myself false hope? i dunno.
till next mon. i have no ans.
11:53 PM
...Save your last dance for me...
Monday, October 10, 2005
the game called _ _ _ _.
cruel and heartless.
yet the sweetness it brings.
totalli heavenly. indescribable. totalli beyond description.
it's giving and taking at the same time.
giving ur all. taking for granted.
at times, u're easily satisfied. easily content.
ur peers may say u r silly. crazy. nuts. watever.
u're jus so easily content. by a mere action of tt somebody.
be it a msg. a smile. s "hi". a little attention tt's wat u asked for.
it can be real sweet tt u blush non-stop.
but it can be so sour tt u feel like crying.
wat's the worst of all is not being reciprocated.
tt's the worst thing.
but u gotta be strong yar?
one day..ur presence will be made known.
till the end...u'll nv noe wat's the ending.
so have u guessed the name of my game?
11:39 PM
...Save your last dance for me...
Thursday, October 06, 2005
Finally. It’s all over. Exams. Stress. Late nights. Eye bags. All gone. Freed. Hahas. Im so glad, thankful and relievd that it’s all over! Really. *sigh of relief*
Hmmm. Actually should be feeling real happy and high now..but im not. Jus relieved. Tt’s all. I guessed I noe the reason y. instead, im feeling sad. Reproach myself for not putting in my 100%. For not putting in enough hard work. For being lazy. The list goes on. Worry for my grades. It’s not a matter whether I’ll get an A or B for chem. or whatever subject. But rather, wat’s the probability I’ll pass and promote. Whether I can even get an E for at least 2 A’level subject. I noe it’s bit of no life toking bout such things in my blog. But I can’t help but to dwell on it.
Jus feel tt my life sorta screwed up now huh. When I saw spencer’s nick on msn, I felt even worse. It goes like this “treasure tis times in pj..all these will be memories that will be wit me thru my life…” it’s like spencer’s leaving us. I guess it’s not only me who feel like givin up at time..spencer too..lynn too. We may look happy or normal on the surface but deep down, there’s this worry and dejected feeling huh. Yar. Spencer..noe u’d prob wun be seeing this entry of mine..but still..wanna say..dun give up yar..come wat may, we’ll stand and fall together. Pokkakas spirit goes on!
Yar. And oh oh. Lynn darling bought me a yummy chocolate cake today. My long awaited cake! Yummy. Ate the whole piece by myself. Now I feel fat! Hahas. Finally. I can exercise. Haven’t been exercising bout some tym..my muscles are becoming flabby huh. Gonna go for a run soon. Canal run anyone? Hehs. Im gonna go for my hair cut and rebonding tml..yeah yeah! But gonna miss the girls outing to beach. I wanna go too..arghs. gonna get my tan soon. And shopping. Eating. Sleeping. Yeah! Hehs. I have much to conquer =))
11:27 PM
...Save your last dance for me...
