Sunday, August 20, 2006
state of depression.
desperation overwhelms me.
pressure, stress, expectations weigh me down.
i want to cry. i have to cry. to let it all out. but no tears. it just ran out.
sometimes, i wonder to myself, how long more?
how long more will this kind of life continues.
i regret not studying harder in yr 1. now i'm struggling. just doing a math paper can make me wanna cry. A'levels is technically 74 days a way. and i still don't feel prepared. tons and tons of work just piled on me. never-ending. find myself feeling so tired everyday. the no of hours of sleep just become shorter. from the 10 hrs of sleep in secondary sch to just 5 hrs now. sometimes shorter. cannot concentrate, wanna sleep more, yet there's no time to waste on sleeping.
i know ppl have high expectations on me, esp my family. and i don't wanna let them down. alrd felt very guilty towards them. esp my dad. the amount of tuition fees i pay every month is just too much. i really don't wanna let all the money spent to be wasted. hard earned money. i know i have to do well. i must do well. but it's so tiring. everything will come to an end in approx 90 days time. i must persevere and endure for i have no choice. i cannot back out. it has always been my dream to do well. i looked into the future. i dream big. i have to go this way to get what i dream for. there is no short-cuts in life. i can only work my way towards success through hard work.
it's hard, i know. all the prep talks, inspiration talks with great ppl, advice from seniors and tchers. i listened and pondered. they are all good advice. but there's one thing missing. motivation and encouragment.
appearing nonchalant is my forte. but deep-down, i cared and i mind. many things happened and still are happening. things just seemed to be hanging there. nobody's willing to do something. just like how i dislike being the active one. i thought i shall remain passive too. i guess i'm not the kind who would let go easily. that's why such issues weigh me down. keeps me thinking. studies and this, enough just drive me to depression. so i'm letting go. letting things be the way it is. maybe this is the best way that i should do but didnt do. maybe things will become better, i hope.
sometimes, the way people react just amaze me. like me, they can act so nonchalant but yet deep down, no one knows what they are thinking. they just send you numerous ????s. sometimes i'm just at a loss. should i do something? should i not? it's not that i'm not willing but i just dunno how to. i want to but have no idea how. so i think probably letting go is the best. letting nature takes its course is the only way out. i know i should have done this 3 yrs ago. i'm just sturborn. but now i know what's the right thing to do. so i'm doing it now...
