Sunday, February 04, 2007
From the day i made that decision to stop everything and let go, i knew it's gonna be hard. hard to let go, hard to give up. as much as i want to have a fresh start, it's nv easy. that day when i finally decided to let go, i thought to myself, "yes i can do it". i thought what pearl said is true. i thought what she said really applies to me. that i'm seriously living in denial. but now, i'm in doubt of that. maybe i'm not living in denial. maybe what i have been feeling all these while has been true. maybe it has never changed at all.
maybe i'm really into it. maybe i've already fallen deep. but the hope which i've been grasping on tightly is no longer there. it's no longer true to me. because i know, from the day i start, there will never be the day when i can rely on this bit of hope to live on. because i know all along that it will never come true...
After holding on for that bit of hope for so many yrs, i know i've already got past the stage when i'm still lying to myself that one day, it'll all be true. no, it's over. over from the day i say, "stop! it's enough, mel!". it's difficult to let go. what i learnt became a real experience for me. just like what i told marc, "To accept, you must first learn to let go." letting go is never easy. it's tough. it's tiring. it drives you crazy. it makes you cry like you never cry before. but once you get pass this stage, you learn and you mature.
one thing for sure, the feelings are true. i'm not living in denial.
even though i've made the decision to let go, from that day till now, i have yet to learn to let go. i'm still trying to overcome this hurdle. it's hard but i know i make it. it's so hard because, the feelings have never been so true. i have to make it, so that things can remain as it is. so that everything remains status quo. so that i don't make things difficult for anyone. so that at least i can keep what i have now and not lose them to fate.
and so, i need more time to get pass this stage. i'd be lying if i say, "yes, i've finally let go." but there will be this day. people reading this, don't worry. mel's not sad or feeling blue bout anything. i've been happy recently. in a good mood almost everyday. to the extend, i go crazy and started singing songs. it's just that besides being happy, there are times when i'd pause and think bout this. i like things the way it is now, the way i'm living my life happily each day. even tho' that bit of hope might never be true one day and make me the happiest woman in this whole world, i know at least what i have now equals to ETERNITY. so cheers ((:
